Chui Lyrics

The first movie I ever saw was Star Wars

I was two

My entire body fit

On top of the theatre seat

Without any shoe poking over

After my eighth time

I told Dad I wanted to change my name to

Han Solo or Luke Skywalker

He just laughed

And hit me on the head

One day

When I accidentally broke

Dad's favorite mug that said

"Speak English

Or Leave the Damn Country"

He yelled at me

And called me a

Nerferter wookie

I didn't understand

Why he named me after Chewbacca

I had told him

I wanted to be Han

With his witty smile or

Luke with his sandy hair

And X-Wing Fighter flying expertise

But he was mad for the cup

After he whipped me with his belt

I went to bed

Sleeping on my empty stomach

Without asking him about

His new name for me

Another day

Dad was stoned

And rolling his third joint

When he told Mom to go get more zig zags

She must have been stoned, too

Because she told him to get them himself

And then laughed

And she didn't stop

Her laughter made her laugh more

Which made me laugh

Which made her laugh even more

But Dad didn't laugh

He punched her in the nose

Blood leaked into her

Long black braids

Onto her extra large night shirt

And down her thighs

He told her to clean herself up

And that no hairy Mexican bitch

Was going to tell him

What to do

"What are you staring at"

Dad asked me

I must have had a strange look

On my face

Because he looked down

And smiled

And told me to come here

I came close to him

As he sat on the couch

Hunched over

The coffee table

And licked the rice paper slow

Rolling it tight

In his fingers

He admired it for a beat

Then said

"Light it"

I shook

"I don't know how"

I said

Here

I'll show you

He told me to open my mouth

So I did

He then put it in my mouth

And told me to keep it there

But not to bite it

With my teeth

Or slobber on it

So it would get all wet

Just hold it between your lips

Like a popsicle

And then he laughed

Seeing me with a joint in my mouth must have been funny

Because he rolled back

And told Mom to hurry and clean herself off

So she could see me

Mom took her time

"Ok. I'm going to light it"

He said

"When I do

Breathe in with your mouth and through the joint

Still keeping the joint between your lips

Do you understand?"

I nodded my head but I shook inside

I didn't want to screw up

It sounded so complicated

But it seemed so easy

Watching him and Mom do it so often

It was like brushing your teeth

Or eating with a fork

Or beating someone weaker

Visceral, you know?

But I didn't want to mess up

And look like Mom

Dad flicked the zippo

And the flame darted up

Reaching for the paper toothpick

Between my lips

I thought it would burn me

So I jerked my head back

Wrong choice

"What're you doing?"

He punched my back

And I stepped forward

"Don't you trust me?"

I nodded slow

Like he wanted me to

"Well then, mijo…"

And he flicked the Zippo again

It reached up and I felt the heat on my lips

But I didn't step back

I just focused on that joint

Hold with lips

I thought

And breathe in

Through the joint

Breathe in

Breathe in

Just then

Mom walked back

Into the family room

Where we were

Dried blood

Caked in round black rain drops

On the front of her night shirt

That read

"Welcome to the American Dream"

A little trace of her blood was still in her hair, too

She had washed her face and legs

She looked better

The sight of her made me want to make her proud

So I sucked in through the joint and

Made the tip redden and glow

Like a volcano

Ready to explode

Like Dad

On a normal day

But then something weird happened

My throat felt thick

And heavy

And my nose started to bleed

Not blood

Smoke

Dad grabbed the joint

Just as I coughed

And gagged

And heaved

I sat on the ground

And tried to clear out

What I learned was smoke

That had filled my throat

And mouth

"Oh yeah," he said

"Make sure you swallow the smoke"

I stared at him

And started croaking

Like a frog

Ribbit-like belches that originated

From some undiscovered

Savage part

Of my anatomy

I belched again

Dad couldn't control himself

And laughed

And laughed

And pointed

And laughed

Mom just stared

Her face wet from the washcloth

Or tears

Shaking her head

Looking at the blood

On her breasts

And her little boy

Belching like a frog

On the floor

"You two," Dad laughed

"You two are nothing but damn Wookies"

And he wiped his tears with the

Back of his hand

It was then

I realized

As I looked up at Mom's brown body

Covered by the night shirt

And my brown hands and

Brown legs

Poking out of my shorts

And Dad's white face

Getting puffy from laughing

I realized

That I could never be

Han Solo

Flying the Millennium Falcon

Or Luke Skywalker

Saving the white princess

To Dad, I was always

Going to be

Chewbacca

The ignored co-pilot

The Hairy nerferter Wookie

Who hardly spoke

And only belched marijuana burps

When he wanted to be heard