Every Single Time

I try to sit and take it in. I try to take a breath and let that loving begin. I try to calm my weary nerves. I try to meditate and listen to the birds.

But I can't seem to focus in, my thoughts knocked down like a bowling pin. I mean every single time, I mean all all all the time. Can't see my ideas through, I'm stuck in an anxious hyper loop. I mean every single time, I mean all all all the time.

And all I see just makes me sad. I try to stay informed but all the news is bad. When I feel that worry in my chest, I have no wherewithal to locate close to my best.

But I'm not trying to sermonize, my moods are a hard thing to verbalize, I mean every single time, I mean all all all the time. Thinking too much has consequence: I constantly question competence. I mean every single time, I mean all all all the time.

"I need break." I always feel that way, right through the day. I'd love to be encased in apathy, cuz I cannot breathe. Impatiently, I hurry to prepare for what isn't there. That "inner peace"? It stays beyond my reach; I try desperately.

Even though I long for more, I can't do it anymore. I don't have the skill, or the will, or the thrill, like I did when it was back before. Ignorance was bliss for me. Way too young and dumb to see there would come a time when "alive" would decline, when the mental wasn't guaranteed.